Diaries of a Missionary’s Best Friend: Day 35

A Note from the Blogger: I am Kristan Saucedo, I am a Pentecost. My specific denomination is Assemblies of God. However, my best friend, Natalie is a Mormon. As of April 20th, she is a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Seattle, Washington. Now that I have made that clear. This blog series will be a collection of thoughts that I have while she is away from me for a year and a half.  None of the things that are said in this blog series reflect the views or beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or Natalie herself. It’s just mine, Kristan Saucedo. A Pentecost, a psychology nerd, a student, a daughter, a sister, and a Missionary’s Best Friend.

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I’ve got a confession: I’m insecure. I’m a wildly insecure person.

I never feel “good enough.” I never feel like I’m top stuff. I feel like there will always be someone who will be able to one up me. Even now, that Natalie has said all this hooplah that we are best friends forever and she has trusted me with so much stuff. I still question if I am really her best friend.

I hate that there is this real, undeniable fear that she will find someone better than me while she is on her mission. She had best friends before me, I did too. What is to say that she won’t have another best friend after me? What if she is able to connect with them better than I do? What  if they are better than me? What if they have more in common because they are LDS and I am not? What then?

How am I supposed to match up to that? Gosh, man. Nat will think that this is silly and probably say that wouldn’t happen. But seriously dude, in all realness I’m scared. I hate that this is one of my biggest, realest fears I have in my life.

We aren’t talking as much anymore, maybe because I don’t have much to say, maybe because she doesn’t have time to talk, maybe we are fading, maybe we are going through something. I don’t know.

I know, if you are a fellow missionary’s bestie like me,  I’m not making you feel any better. Honestly, I’m sorry. I always want this blog series to reassure you that what you are going through is normal for a non-normal circumstance and I always want to uplift your spirits. But I promised myself when I started this I’d be 100% honest to everyone, you (the reader), Natalie, myself, and God. So that’s what I am doing. Even when it hurts.

-kas

 

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