An open letter to my future child’s biological mother

All my life when little girls were dreaming about their wedding day, I dreamed about being a mother. I thought about my baby, about what type of momma I’d be. But I thought of you, too.

Who are you? Are you my age that I am when I’m writing this? A teenager confused and engulfed in all the major decisions adulthood has imparted on you. Are you the age I am when I meet our sweet soul? Are you just not wanting a baby right now.. or even ever? What’s your story?

Because I want our baby to know your story too. It’s important to them, to me, to you. Whatever is it, we’ll love you regardless.

Today is a day filled with various emotions for the both of us. Both bitter and sweet, several beginnings and one ending. The end of this baby being in your care, now they’ll will be in mine. I want to promise you that I will forever love our little joybug. I’ll always remind them of whom they belong to, both me their father’s and yours. That they are so loved by all of us. That they are so special and important.

You gave me a gift of love. The smile and laughter that will enter my home will soon be irreplaceable. The connection we make will be special.

But I want you to know he’s yours too if you want that. No, you may not always have a say in his/her parenting.. and we might not always agree on everything. But I want you to have as much communication with him/her as you would like.

My connection with out baby is special and important. But so is yours. I want you to get to know our little beam of sunshine and all the ways they’re like each of us. Because a baby can never have too much love in its life. I never want to take them away from you. They need you as much as they need me.

So as you leave the hospital today this isn’t a goodbye. It’s an I’ll write you, I’ll talk to you, I’ll snuggle with you, I’ll laugh with you, I’ll watch you, I’ll play with you, I’ll see you later.

 

 

Other Adoption Related Blogs:

Why I want to adopt my (future) child

An Open Letter to My (Future) Adopted Children

An Open Letter to my Former Best Friend

Dear Lu,

I’ve written those two words millions upon millions of times, but this time is different. Back then, I was writing to my best friend. My sister. This letter is written to a mere acquaintance, if even that. Those letters were filled with joy and laughter. This letter has the ever looming feeling of sadness and emptiness.

I’m mad, I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’ve tried to find the right words to say. I thought maybe I should try to find a more eloquent way to say it. But there’s not “right” way to say I’m not ready to play nice.

I’m not ready to pretend like nothing happened. Something happened. A lot happened.

You did me dirty. You did me mad dirty and you didn’t even have the audacity to apologize. You just expected me to forgive you. I guess I will, eventually.

But I don’t think we will ever be able to be best friends again. We hadn’t been for years before it all went down. I think I’m just ready to face that music now. We’re not even friends.

Part of me wishes there was something I could have done to keep this friendship, or rather save this failed friendship. But I tried everything, it just wasn’t enough.

Trying to save this friendship was like trying to grasp a handful of sand. The tighter I squeezed… the harder I tried, the farther you ran.

And January 31st, that was it. All the sand was gone. You were gone. I finally had to accept there was nothing left for me to do. Whether I was ready for it or not, I had to walk away.

I know the reality of it. Our friendship would’ve ended no matter what. In fact, it had already failed. I was just in denial.

That day shocked me back into reality, like a bucket of ice water to the face. That day you made me feel like nothing. After everything we’d been through, you made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough for you.

I left there feeling like I was taken advantage of. I felt like you used me. There were years I spent $50, $60 on a birthday gift when just weeks before you gave me squat for mine. I barely got a birthday text from you. But I was okay with that, all I wanted was your friendship. You couldn’t even really give me that.

I could never trust you. I could never count on you. I could never run to you. You were never there. I gave you countless chance upon chance and you were never able to pull through.

I have a new best friend now, Natalie. She’s awesome. She’s done for me in a year than you ever did in ten. Most people will think I’m overexaggerating, but mom and dad will tell you I’m saying the truth.

I feel bad for her. I’ve put her through some real crap. I find myself pushing her away sometimes. I say things to try to make her run away because in all honesty, I’m hesitant to get close to her. When she says I’m her best friend, I question if she really means it. It’s kind of a screwed up reality, but it’s my reality. I have a lot of her private documents and information, and yet here I am wondering if I’m really her best friend. But luckily for me, she doesn’t scare easily.

I’ll never understand why it took me so long to move on, but it’s just me. It’s hard for me to give up on someone I love so easily. But that day, I realize you didn’t know me. Nor, did I, you. That’s how I knew it was time to move on.

Moving on is weird. Moving on makes it sound like I’m over it, I’m not over it. I’m still hurt. I still hurt when I hear your name or when my brother talks about talking with yours. I hurt when I see you liked my brother’s stuff or  when “I Will Possess Your Heart” comes on the radio. I hurt when people ask for you or I see all our journals stacked up in my closet. I hurt.

I wish I didn’t, but I hurt. Maybe it’s because after all these years, I hoped we have sweeter ending. But I guess we weren’t really meant for that.

So here’s my ending. Goodbye.

I don’t expect a reply. To be frank, I know that there probably won’t be one. You have always ran away from any sort of confrontation. Maybe that’s why you’ve never apologized.

But I want you to know this, I learned a lot from our failed friendship. I learned put my everything in anything when I love someone. I learn that you gotta know when to walk away. I’ve learned that things you think are meant to last forever, can crumble easily and unexplainably. I learned you can’t earn anyone’s love, you either get it or you don’t. I’ll take that lesson with me for forever, so for that I’m grateful.

Wishing you all the best,

Your former best friend,

Kristan A. Saucedo

(fka Krissy or ‘lil’ sis)

An Open Letter to my Former Best Friend

Dear Bo,

Ten years ago, I never thought there would be a day where I would able to say you were not my best friend. I thought that we’d get matching tattoos, that you’d be the maid of honor at my wedding, that I’d be your child’s godmother, and that one day we’d grow old in rocking chairs talking about the good old days.

Today, I don’t know you. You don’t know me, either.  Things we used to know about each other like the back of our hands have now faded and our friendship has become nothing but a mere memory.  I want to say I could’ve done more salvage our failed friendship, but I can’t. I did everything I could, I texted, called, even visited you when you moved away.  You pushed me away, but I never gave up hope that our friendship could make it through everything.

Then came January 31st and I realized I was so sadly wrong. You know what happened so I won’t blast you on the internet. But just know I was mad, hurt, upset, frustrated, sad. Most of all, I was disappointed.

Yes, at you, and the way everything played out, and how you never apologized.  But more so at me, I was so foolish.  Looking back, I see where everything fell apart. I know there were a million warning signs. Part of me regrets not paying attention to the red flags. But that isn’t me, you know that. It’s just not in me to give up on someone I love so easily.

It hurts, when my brother talks to yours, when they mention your name, when other people ask me about how you are doing, when I see our journals stacked up in my closet. I put up a thick shell when I think about you, because I want to be over it. But I hurt.

I wish I hated you, sulking in a ball of bitterness would be so much easier. But I can’t help it, I still care about you. I would probably would still do anything for you. I hope that life is treating you right and you get all the things you’ve dreamed for. I hope that everything is good. I really do. I’ll still smile when I eat peanut butter and goldfish,  hear “I Will Possess Your Heart” by Death Cab for Cutie, or see a pair of green neon socks.

I’m thankful for our failed friendship because it makes me value my current best friend so much more. She’s done more for me in one year than you ever did in ten. Most people will think I’m exaggerating but my parents know I’m telling the truth. I finally have a friendship where I receive as much as I give.  I’m thankful for our friendship because I now know that not a lot of people are like Nat, so I better not take advantage of her. So thank you for that.

You’ll forever be included in some of my life’s sweetest memories.

-Jeet

An Open Letter to My 15-year-old Self

Hi you!

Er, well, Me. Okay, let’s talk.

Life is truly a wild ride. There will be ups and downs, but here’s maybe some things that will make for a little less of a bumpy ride.

The first and most important thing is, you need to discover your value. Find out that your worth is not based on anyone’s opinion of you. You are so worth being loved. Look at all the things that makes you a pretty rad chick and stick with it. Embrace your “you”ness. Love yourself in every aspect, that way when people try to shake you they won’t.

High school is filled with meaningless thoughts, fights, and opinions. Think of your life in five years if your problem won’t matter then, don’t worry about it. It’s harder than it sounds, but it’s really worth it if you can swing it. It will save you a bunch of stress. Honestly, just avoid the drama queens as much as possible. They’ll only bring you down.

In the end you’ll never please everyone, you can spend your whole life trying or you can just enjoy it despite of other’s opinions. Mr. Feeny on Boy Meets World says “If you let people’s perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person. But if you leave yourself open to experience, despite what others think, then you will learn and grow.” Never let other people dictate your happiness. Do what makes your heart smile.

People will leave you. People that you think are supposed to love you. People that say you mean the world to them. They will leave. You won’t see it coming, you won’t know why. It will hurt.  Know one thing, it is not your fault. People just leave. It’s life. It’s not fair, but it is life.

Love everyone. There’s always something beautiful to be found in someone. It may be hard to find, but I promise it’s there. Like Wela would say, “she’s sweet in her own nasty little way.” When people tell you bad things about someone keep it in mind, but don’t let it stop you from loving them. People are different around different people. Give second chances, third chances, fourth chances. People change.

Just be careful. Guard your heart. It’s one of the most precious things you’ll ever have.

Life is pleasantly filled with surprises, so don’t fret when things don’t go as planned. It will all turn out in time.

yours truly,

me.

well, you. er, well, you get the point!

15.jpg
15 year old Kristan

 

To the readers- I know past me will never get to see this, but maybe if you know a girl (or even guy) who could use it, pass this along to them. I wish I someone told me these things.

 

An Open Letter to My First Love

From the moment I met you, my heart knew that you would forever be someone special to me. We were in band class on the very first day of sixth grade, maybe it was just the excitement of everything or maybe my prepubescent hormones just got the best me, but I fell for you in an instant. Almost like a jolt of lightning struck me and it whispered in my ear “I want him, he will be mine.”

Over the years, we became close. You were my best friend. We were able to be on the phone with each other for hours and hours and hours and not lose any interest. I leaned on you for a lot. You saw me at all my greatest highs and my worst lows, you were there through it all. Over time, my crush just grew bigger and bigger. I’ve never been one for subtle hints, I’m more of the put it out there so it is pretty blatantly obvious. So by the time we hit 8th grade, everyone knew I liked you, heck, even your girlfriend knew I liked you.

We tried the dating thing for a week, we were young and reckless and it all ended in a screeching halt. We said it wasn’t the right time, that maybe we would try it again when we were older. We said we still would love each other no matter what, but one week later you were already on to your next girl. Man, I can’t explain much that stung. There was not enough T-Swift or Adele to comfort my little 12 year-old broken heart.

Then high school happened, we never spoke. We never had classes, no mutual friends and beyond the occasional ‘sup nods we practically never had any contact.

Before we both knew it, it was graduation. We both made it, I heard your name and clapped. I thought that was the last time I’d ever have to hear your name. But then 12 hours later, for the first time in years, we spoke. And maybe it was just the excitement of everything or maybe my hormones just got the best me again, but you caught my attention in an instant. Almost like a jolt of lightning struck me and it whispered in my ear “I want him, he will be mine.” Just like the day I met you, I became fixated. That was the night of our first kiss. My first kiss. With that kiss, we started our summer fling.

That summer was one for the books, we would text night and day. Talk about dreams and plans, even silly ones like how I want to be kissed in the rain. Flirt and sometimes even kiss. And just like sixth grade, you had my heart.  It’s weird, because you were able give me this comfort that no one brings me. This feeling of a never changing rock. You’re my constant. It like everything was changing but you were still here. Everyone was leaving me to follow their dreams, but yours were there, with me.

The summer ended and you ran away from us, saying that 45 minutes was just too far. You said we were better off being friends. I didn’t get it, why couldn’t we make it work. I spent all my time and energy trying to earn your love, trying to be everything you wanted. But now it all makes sense, I built you up in my mind to be this man that you never could be.. Nor did you really ever want to be either. I wanted you to be my knight in shining armor. The prince who would save me whenever I sent out a call of distress. The stand-up guy who honors me and takes care me. The man who love me endlessly and is proud of me. The man who encourages me to chase dreams and not run from them. The man who will be there no matter what obstacles come our way.

People kept asking me what did I want out of this and I’d mentioned closure, or even starting a new chapter.. But to be completely honest, I had no clue.. I didn’t know where I wanted go or what I was doing.. I didn’t even know why I opened this up again. I just did, and that was good. Part of me regrets it all, part of me wishes I knew my worth without going through all this. But part of me is glad to know I am worth so much more than the way you made me feel.

I’ll admit.. For forever, I had a fantasy of our future.. I’d dream of having that white picket fence dream, that we’d get married and have four kids and live happily ever after. Part of me, still thinks that maybe one day the stars will all align and we will have the future that I so deserve. But secretly, I know you’ll never be that man, at least not for me.

It’s so complicated. As much as I wished I hated you, I don’t. In fact, I might even still love you and that sucks. I hate how I don’t hate you. You sucked. As a crush, as a boyfriend, as a fling, you royally sucked. You need had zero concern for me as person and that really honestly sucked. You showed me the contrast of fantasy and reality, love and intimacy.

For so long, I did whatever I could too earn your love. For seven years of my life, I gave you everything I had in me. Today is where I end that. Today I’ll do what’s best for me. Because I matter.  I don’t need to earn your love. And now I know that. I just hope you know I am thankful for you and our sweet summer serendipity.

-Your Gabriella
 

An open letter to the boy that took advantage of my best friend

Hi, 
I’m the girl that your ex-girlfriend was always talking about. I’m the girl you tried to win over so badly, because you knew in order to get to her heart you had to get through me first. I’m her best friend. But see, it didn’t matter how much you tried when we first physically met, because at that point I already had my mind made up about you. I didn’t like you. 
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t always disapprove of you. In fact, I used to cheer you on. I used to hope that you and her would live all happily ever after. I thought you were a really stand up guy, a true gentlemen. But that all changed. You crushed that fantasy in my mind. When you made the choices you did and did the things I thought you would never do. I’ll admit it, I immediately lost all respect for you. 
There’s lines you can cross, but you crossed the wrong line.. and to make it worse, you did it more than once. You know what she’s been through and you had the gaul to do that to her!?
You should be upset, you should be disappointed, you should be mad. You let the most valuable girl in the world slip through your fingers. You let the most amazing you’ll ever meet just walk away from you, and you didn’t even fight for her. You used her and expect her to still be there for you. That’s where you’re wrong, buddy.
You and I both know, she’s extremely forgiving. I mean even after all that you put her through, she probably would forgive you. That’s alright, she should forgive you.
After you hurt her, you really messed her up. You shattered the person she was, and I’ll admit it took a lot to build her back up to the girl we all know and love. No matter how many guys hurt her, or whatever may happen I’ll always be there (with frozen veggies) to build her back up. Because that’s what best friends are for.
But I’ll never let her make that mistake, I promise to you right now I will never let a guy ever take advantage of her like you did.  I’ll never let a boy play with her emotions like you did. I’ll never sit there and tell her that maybe a guy could change, because you taught me much better than that. 
There are days I just want to punch you square in the face. I see you are still involved in her life and it’s nothing bad, but just hearing your name sometimes is enough to annoy me. Yeah, it sounds like I hate you but I really don’t.
I’m actually really thankful for you. You taught her so much. You taught her that Prince Charming might not always be that charming. You taught her what she wants, and what she should expect from her future husband. You showed her that she was strong enough to walk away and that she way better than any fling you could ever have. You taught her she was more than a glorified make out sesh. You taught her that she is worth the world and that she should never settle for anything less than the best.
So for that, I’m thankful. 
I know you will never get it, you’ll never understand the depth of what you lost. But know that in my eyes she’s worth more than gold.
I wish you the best, and hopefully you will grow from all this and change.. not only for you but for your future girlfriend.
Best Regards,
-The best friend

 
 
 
 

An Open Letter to My (Future) Adopted Children

My darling,

As an adopted child, the world will want to tell you this or that. But as your momma,  these are the things I want you to know.

Yeah, maybe you were a surprise, maybe you were unexpected. But you were not a  “mistake”, nor were you unwanted. For so many years, I eagerly waited for the moment I was able to start the adoption process, I couldn’t wait for you to be mine! I couldn’t wait to get to know you all your quirks and mannerisms. Your laugh, your smile, all the ways you are like your birth parents and the ways you are like me. I couldn’t wait to see your bright big eyes hungry for all the world had to offer. I wanted you.

I want you to know that it might not have been only me that wanted to have you, just because your biological parents placed you for adoption doesn’t mean that they didn’t want or love you.

Being a parent is all about sacrifice and making the best decision for your child, even if it goes against your own desires. Sometimes the best decision can be the hardest one to make.

“Giving up” sounds so harsh, “giving up” makes it sounds like it’s the easy way out. But it’s really not. I can only imagine how hard it must be to go through nine months of the baby being with you. You have all these people that come up to you and touch the baby, ask you if it’s a boy or a girl, what’s its name, if you’re excited just to tell them that you’re not keeping it. I can only imagine the amount of shame and guilt that people feed you that you’re placing your child in a better home. I can only imagine the amount of pain that a birth mother goes through to go through grueling hours (maybe even days) of labor to leave the hospital with nothing but some photos and a promise to  keep in touch.

Your birth parents have to be tough cookies to be able to do what they did and to be honest, if placed in a similar situation I’m not sure what in the world I would’ve done.

They say your parents make you the person that you are and I hope you include your birth parents into that. Without their decision, you might not have the same opportunities or interests. If you were still with them, you wouldn’t have been to the same places that you have, or met the same people.

My child,

As your adoptive mother, I’m so lucky and grateful to have you love and respect me as your mom. But I hope that you love and respect your biological parents first. I don’t want to you to be bitter towards them. I’m not sure what our journey will be order to finally have you in our little family, but whether you’ve been placed in one home or you’ve been through hundreds of different foster homes and been let down a million times, I hope you never blame your birth parents for that. They never wanted that for you, they loved you so much that they gave you to a place that said they would find you a good home, a better life. So please don’t blame them. Love them, because they loved you first and if they hadn’t made the same choices, we may have never met.

I love you,

Mom

Other Adoption Related Blogs:

A letter to my future child’s biological mother

Why I Want to Adopt My (Future) Child