I’ve written those two words millions upon millions of times, but this time is different. Back then, I was writing to my best friend. My sister. This letter is written to a mere acquaintance, if even that. Those letters were filled with joy and laughter. This letter has the ever looming feeling of sadness and emptiness.
I’m mad, I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’ve tried to find the right words to say. I thought maybe I should try to find a more eloquent way to say it. But there’s not “right” way to say I’m not ready to play nice.
I’m not ready to pretend like nothing happened. Something happened. A lot happened.
You did me dirty. You did me mad dirty and you didn’t even have the audacity to apologize. You just expected me to forgive you. I guess I will, eventually.
But I don’t think we will ever be able to be best friends again. We hadn’t been for years before it all went down. I think I’m just ready to face that music now. We’re not even friends.
Part of me wishes there was something I could have done to keep this friendship, or rather save this failed friendship. But I tried everything, it just wasn’t enough.
Trying to save this friendship was like trying to grasp a handful of sand. The tighter I squeezed… the harder I tried, the farther you ran.
And January 31st, that was it. All the sand was gone. You were gone. I finally had to accept there was nothing left for me to do. Whether I was ready for it or not, I had to walk away.
I know the reality of it. Our friendship would’ve ended no matter what. In fact, it had already failed. I was just in denial.
That day shocked me back into reality, like a bucket of ice water to the face. That day you made me feel like nothing. After everything we’d been through, you made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough for you.
I left there feeling like I was taken advantage of. I felt like you used me. There were years I spent $50, $60 on a birthday gift when just weeks before you gave me squat for mine. I barely got a birthday text from you. But I was okay with that, all I wanted was your friendship. You couldn’t even really give me that.
I could never trust you. I could never count on you. I could never run to you. You were never there. I gave you countless chance upon chance and you were never able to pull through.
I have a new best friend now, Natalie. She’s awesome. She’s done for me in a year than you ever did in ten. Most people will think I’m overexaggerating, but mom and dad will tell you I’m saying the truth.
I feel bad for her. I’ve put her through some real crap. I find myself pushing her away sometimes. I say things to try to make her run away because in all honesty, I’m hesitant to get close to her. When she says I’m her best friend, I question if she really means it. It’s kind of a screwed up reality, but it’s my reality. I have a lot of her private documents and information, and yet here I am wondering if I’m really her best friend. But luckily for me, she doesn’t scare easily.
I’ll never understand why it took me so long to move on, but it’s just me. It’s hard for me to give up on someone I love so easily. But that day, I realize you didn’t know me. Nor, did I, you. That’s how I knew it was time to move on.
Moving on is weird. Moving on makes it sound like I’m over it, I’m not over it. I’m still hurt. I still hurt when I hear your name or when my brother talks about talking with yours. I hurt when I see you liked my brother’s stuff or when “I Will Possess Your Heart” comes on the radio. I hurt when people ask for you or I see all our journals stacked up in my closet. I hurt.
I wish I didn’t, but I hurt. Maybe it’s because after all these years, I hoped we have sweeter ending. But I guess we weren’t really meant for that.
So here’s my ending. Goodbye.
I don’t expect a reply. To be frank, I know that there probably won’t be one. You have always ran away from any sort of confrontation. Maybe that’s why you’ve never apologized.
But I want you to know this, I learned a lot from our failed friendship. I learned put my everything in anything when I love someone. I learn that you gotta know when to walk away. I’ve learned that things you think are meant to last forever, can crumble easily and unexplainably. I learned you can’t earn anyone’s love, you either get it or you don’t. I’ll take that lesson with me for forever, so for that I’m grateful.
Wishing you all the best,
Your former best friend,
Kristan A. Saucedo
(fka Krissy or ‘lil’ sis)